There are people whom we like and then there are those we do not. Knowing somebody up close and personal sometimes magnifies their faults and personality quirks. Now, when we handle such issues in our personal life, there is not much of a problem. There are thousands of quotes on the social media which advice us to stay away from negative influences, so that we can be sunny and positive always. Just stay away and your problems vanish. Clap, clap!
But when you are a doctor, and a psychiatrist at that, a lot of people coming to you are not only distressed but also not “nice”, to put it mildly. Within the first few visits, we know their personalities, their decision making skills and their life choices very closely. As a matter of rule, we need to be at our non judgmental best in our counseling. Allow the person to make his/her own life decisions. At best, we can steer them towards a choice, but that too, very unobtrusively.
Unfortunately, this seems utopian on paper, not reality. How can one remain unaffected when he/she hears of a man boasting of knowing how to keep his unruly wife in place by resorting to violent means? How do you react when a lady comes depressed because she is worried about her daughter in law being snubbed by her own daughters? Such a concerned woman, you think. The concern emerges from the fact that the girl’s father has paid a fat dowry and is asking uncomfortable questions about the same! How do you console a father when he cries, that we should convince his daughter to go back to her alcoholic husband’s home, because they have already depleted their life savings on the marriage? How do you convince an utterly melancholic woman (melancholic because, her parents had no male progeny, and hence died uncared for and now the daughter in law has produced two healthy bonny girl babies), who obviously will leave her uncared for too?
These are situations which arise frequently. On a particular level, I understand that these are people who have a different value system and a way of thinking alien to mine. They may have a genuinely good side to them and maybe just discussing their miseries. Atleast they are honestly bad! But these are also times which make me want to quit my “non judgmental” high horse and tick them off like a very strict school marm.
I keep squirming in my seat trying to calm the feminist in me. Most times, I am successful. Occasionally, my unobtrusive push becomes slightly more forceful. And rarely, I do scold. I do fervently hope, that this happens to anyone who handles human emotions as a part of their profession.
We do not understand the decisions that others make and their reasons for it. Over the years and with some maturity comes the discovery that we cannot change the world so easily. Change is for most part slow, a lot of hard work and painstaking. Once the abusive husband, after 6 months of counseling, finally stops abusing his wife physically (though a wee bit of verbal abuse remains), I should consider it my victory!
Unfortunately, this victory is not all sweet! There is an itch to do something more, push a little more and dream a little. And go back to listening all over again. Maybe, this is more like the bevu bella (an offering of neem and sugar eaten during ugadi, the traditional new year), which symbolically signifies that you should swallow the good and the bad with equanimity. Probably, I should start everyday with a small bite of the same:)
Does this happen to you?